If I Knew Then: Nineteen Years Later

Just like clockwork, I am wide awake a few minutes past midnight on April 4th. Went to bed with an unexplainable migraine and woke up with words and memories and sadness running through my head - result my first poem since childhood. Dedicated to all those suffering the loss of loved ones during this horrific Pandemic COVID-19.

To my little brother on April 4, 2020,


If I knew then what I know now, 
I would have told you that I love you,
I would have said it with a smile.

Drewman on Sanibel Island Jan 2001

I would have gotten on a bus or train or driven the extra miles.

I would have sang your favorite song, while dancing under the clouds.

I would have told you that I loved you, I would have said it without denial.

I would have told you I was sorry for not knowing how. . .

. . to save you, for not taking away your pain, for not always showing you the love I felt so deep in my veins.

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have begged God to forgive us for our many sins.
I would have asked God to give us more time and not allow your life to end.

If I had only known then, 
what I hate knowing now
that life without you is a struggle
despite me knowing how.

much love - missing you,
your big sister