Selling out or Buying in: Root Cause of My MLK Day Anxiety

Selling Out or Buying in: Root cause of my MLK anxiety

For the past several days I have been experiencing anxiety.  My anxiety is manifested in lower back pain and insomnia.  It usually takes a few days before I realize why I am feeling bad and some times it takes even longer to pinpoint the cause of the anxiety.  After several nights of lying in bed staring at the ceiling with the heating pad on my lower back, I woke up on this MLK day 2018 mad at myself. Why?  Because our family has no plan.  Part of my anxiety is my normal birthday anxiety.  On January 17, my birthday in 2001, my family and I saw my brother alive for the last time and yes, seventeen years later it still haunts me.  During that MLK weekend, we had no idea it would be the beginning of the end of life as we knew it.  The other part of my anxiety is completely self-imposed in that I felt like we should have a plan for MLK day and we do not.  

For the first time, my new employer is recognizing Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as an official holiday and I have been feeling compelled to make the most of it.  Prior to moving to the outskirts of Seattle, Washington honoring MLK was a non-issue.  First off, I have always felt like each day of my life has afforded me the opportunity to honor his spirit. I have always given all of me to my work and my family and others in need.  But since moving to Seattle, I do not feel like my current work honors Dr. King in the way my previous roles have. We also are not engaged in any social, educational or religious groups as a family that have made plans to honor him; and we live in a community that is far from diverse and appears quite content with the status quo.  This is very different than when we lived in Miami, Atlanta or Oakland.  These were places where diversity was a core value. The fight for equality was mainstream. And images of civil rights leaders were officially posted all around the cities and unofficially denoted in wall art and graffiti. So, for today, I wanted to make sure the kids and I had a plan.  A plan to honor Dr. King thru education and/or service.  But guess what? We have no plan.  I need to take my car to the shop, pick up the consultant from the airport who is flying in for a two day meeting at work that starts tomorrow and we need to prepare.  

I am writing because I am trying to process why I feel so compelled to have a plan. 

1. Is it because I am afraid my kids will not know MLK?  That is highly unlikely. 
2. Is it because my employer gave me the day off? Honestly, I could have taken day off if I really wanted to. 
3. Is it because I feel obliged to give back to the community on this day of service? Well, I do feel obliged to serve, but I keep asking myself who should I serve and what am I in service of?  I think this has been the quandary.  

In the past, I used to take the day off because I needed a day of rest as my work has always been in service to others. My entire career has centered around doing things that made me feel as if I was genuinely serving the community and making the world a better place for the most vulnerable and needy in our society.  I also went through a period when the kids were small and I wanted MLK to be a day “on.”  As a family, we would participate in community events that raised their awareness, taught them history, and gave us an opportunity to serve others by preparing meals for the hungry or collecting food for the needy or giving out blankets and clothes to the homeless.  But now I find myself sitting on the edge of the bed anticipating my son spending the day playing with his Xbox, my daughter on her iPhone, and my husband trying to get us to do chores, while I continue to be mad at myself for not having a plan.

I tried to convince myself that having the day off and not doing anything was just fine, because in all honesty the fact that I have a Porsche to take to the shop and a job as an executive and we live in a nice house in a white neighborhood are all reflections of Dr.  King’s dream, right?  . . . Really? . . . OMG! . . . Root cause of anxiety!  

When I was broke and living in an apartment struggling to make ends meet but giving all I could to those who were worse off than me, I would call someone like me a sell-out.  OMG!  Root cause of anxiety.  Am I a sell-out?  Hum? I drive a fancy car, live in white neighborhood, work for the man.  Hum? Isn’t that the definition of a sell-out?  Or am I a manifestation of MLK’s dream? My parents worked hard. They fought for equal rights and opportunities. They created a pathway for me to go to public schools, to get an Ivy League education, to get a Ph.D., and to thrive in a white male dominated society.  My ancestors made sacrifice after sacrifice to ensure that I could break thru the racial divide and be in a position where I could prosper, influence, and broaden the path so others could follow in our footsteps. So, hum do I define my present status as “selling-out” or “buying -in”?  

I have completely bought in to the concept of integration, racial justice and economic opportunity.  I know there is so much more work to do to open up the pathways and to protect the ones that have been cracked open.  Each day the progress we have made is threatened, but I think through this journal entry this morning that I have resolved that I am doing something for MLK day.  I am taking the day off to get my Porsche fixed, meet a consultant for work, and I am continuing to represent my race and my gender in the most positive light that I can while living in the whitest city I have ever lived in, so that the others who aspire to follow my path will have someone like me to hold the door open for them and welcome them as they enter. 

Root cause of anxiety solved.  Now off to to get my car fixed!

"If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward"  ------ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Disclaimer - Raw writing - As usual I share just in case someone like me is sitting on the side of the bed having a pity party and needs a jolt of reality and a reminder that "all is well."