Through her crying eyes: Mom's lesson in teamwork and leadership

Why can't I sit here?

Yesterday, my 11 year old daughter received a lesson in teamwork and I received a much needed refresher in leadership.  It was Zora's first soccer game with her new team since moving to Washington.  Zora has been playing soccer since she was 4 years old. At age 4, I was pretty confident her soccer career was going to be short lived.  If she was not sitting down picking dandelions, she was following the coach telling the other players on team what to do.  At one point she professed she would much rather be the coach.  "Running around was too hard."  She thought yelling at people was much more fun.  

By age 10, she had grown to be one of the tallest girls on the team and one of the most aggressive, resulting in her playing goalie most of the time.  This fit her preference not too run and her love for cheering on her teammates.

When we moved to Washington this summer we immediately went in search of a soccer team.  Zora has decided that soccer is her sport.  She tried out for the competitive team and was not accepted, but as fate and a pretty persistent mom would have it, an awesome coach offered her a spot on his team.  His roster was full, but he saw Zora's desire to play, learn, and be a part of a team.  Zora and I were so grateful.  The coach warned us that her playing time during games may be limited, as she was the youngest with the least experience and a late comer to the team, but that was all fine with me.  I simply wanted her to make friends in our new community and to get much needed exercise.  I did not ask her what she wanted, but it was clear from her excitement that being a part of a team meant the world to her.  I am a strong believer in kids playing team sports, because of the opportunity to learn lifelong leadership skills.  Little did I know this experience would serve as a refresher for me as well.

The day before the first game Zora was to play with her new team, the coach called to make sure I had all of the logistics down and to confirm he had a loaner uniform for Zora.  He also told both of us not to worry, since Zora said she was quite nervous.  He told us that the team was vying for first place and this was a real important game.  He told me he was a new coach and he was also very nervous. In the kindest voice and most sincere tone, he said he was preparing for a difficult game, as he would have to play the best players while making sure all members of the team felt included.  He wanted to let us know his strategy upfront, so that Zora would not be disappointed if her playing time was limited.  He reminded me that he had shared this with me when we joined and he complimented Zora on her tenacity and continued skill development over the past few weeks.  As he was talking, all I could say was "Wow! What a sincere and humble leader."  

            Lesson #1: Set clear expectations. The coach personally communicated with us and he shared his own challenge while managing my daughter up. 

On the day of the game, Zora only got to play for 4 minutes before time was called for the half.  She did great during that time, but as the coach warned it was a tough match and he and the team had to be on their A game.  Unfortunately the team lost by 0 to 1, but they played their best.  

            Lesson #2: Create a strategy, adjust accordingly, but do not give in half way through the game. The coach did not let his natural desire to play all girls regardless of skill level interfere with his mission or vision of winning the game.  He allowed his pre-determined strategy to drive his decisions, he adjusted as needed, and maintained his commitment to the entire team by not placating to unhappy parents or players and yes there were plenty of grumpy parents.

Needless to say, my 11 year old was upset about not playing long and about losing.  She cried all the way home and had all kinds of excuses for not wanting to go to practice the next day.  I did my best to explain to her that even though they lost and she only played for a few minutes, her role on the team was important.  She gave a star player a much needed break.  She has been growing and giving it her all in practice and she got to see the older players in action and learn, but nothing I said seemed to help.

            Lesson #3:  It is important for a leader to remember that each player is different.  For some, knowing the plan is not always sufficient to curb the anxiety and disappointment they might feel about the well-thought out plan and that no plan is full proof.

Good news is that by the time Zora got home from soccer practice her frown had turned upside down. The coach gave the team a pep talk.  He told each player how they positively contributed to the team and how they executed flawlessly.  He asked them to share what they could do better or differently next time.  He asked the players who sat on the sidelines to share what they observed and learned, and then he put Zora in goal box and had her practice with the goalkeeper until her butt and arms were sore.  She came home muddy, wet, and as happy as she was the day she joined the team.

            Lesson #4: Communicate, facilitate, educate and inspire.  Even though, Zora didn't play in the game, the coach made her feel as much a part of the team as those who did.  The entire team owned the loss, learned from it and is ready to play together again and win!

Lesson #5: Mommies are mommies and coaches are coaches. My job was to dry her tears.  The coaches jobs was to make them go away!